(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.