Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
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I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
When you’re Kinky but poor
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown