Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
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My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk