Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
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I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Oh my God.
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I’m an avid indoorsman.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY