OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still