I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
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“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Bike is short for Bichael.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Buying a well is money well spent.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
I feel it
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
When I can’t barge, I careen.