[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
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GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
sir, my pâté if you please
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”