Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
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i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.