Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*