Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
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How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”