just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
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Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.