My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I need to get some bricks…
I had to dig my first 3ft hole with a shovel that took hours just to plant a tree so I can indeed confirm I would never be able to bury a body.
She was REALLY feeling it.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.