Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
You Might Also Like
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy