I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
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Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…