if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
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did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.