Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
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[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.