Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
You Might Also Like
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
My inexpensive home security system…
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.