[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.