“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Monday
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I love art.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.