Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
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No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher