me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
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[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
I cannot call her anything else now
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.