Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
it’s either covid or clever vampires
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
🤣
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps