Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her