A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
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[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
lmfao come on
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.