Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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Science memes
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy