[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Oh we’ve met.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I created you as mosquito food.
crochet youtube is brutal
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.