{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.