Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
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Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”