Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
You Might Also Like
no cat here
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken