lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
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Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped