Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
I can’t stop laughing at this
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.