I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
You Might Also Like
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
They’re on their honeymoon
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Tough love is true love
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work