The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
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The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists