“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
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Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I just ran a .003048K
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
My inexpensive home security system…
You look like the type of person who thinks oral is gross, but eats McDonald’s.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Breaking news:
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms