Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
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POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Who chose this font
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.