I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
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Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.