It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
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Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.