I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
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“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.