Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
☺️
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
“We will wed,” I threatened
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”