I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
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[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.