Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
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Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Big Sex has us all fooled
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if