ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
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Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel