Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
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[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Mad Max Arctic Road
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
A game married people play.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
I triple waxed for this?
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse