I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
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My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments