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Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Lunatics are gonna loon.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?