Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
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Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”