Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You Might Also Like
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Why am I like this?
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.