accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
You Might Also Like
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
WTF IS THAT!
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Weighing up my bread heating options
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit