ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
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Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Monica just destroyed the internet
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE