the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
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“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.